Everything was great the first 2 or 3 months. There were no major problems until the last time I bounced. It was enough psychological trauma to give me the distrust of humanity required by all bouncers. For some reason the night revolved around piss. It seemed to take many forms, but in the end it was still piss.

It all started when the mens’ bathroom flooded. We put up signs saying the bathroom was out of order and to use the unisex room. The problem is that we work at a bar and bars are full of drunk people. Drunk people are notoriously stupid. A sign simply isn’t enough. Drunk people need to be led to the bathroom and have someone hold their junk so they don’t coat the walls with their golden glory. Unfortunately this is not a job I get paid to do, or would do even if I were paid to. We decided a better solution was to display many signs in prominent locations. We put signs on the door, above the sink, and on the urinal. We also covered the urinal in plastic. This was not a deterrent.

Every time one of us went on a walkthrough of the bar, we caught someone in the bathroom pissing where they shouldn’t. I guess it makes sense to the drunk mind. The sink is the closest thing to a urinal in the bathroom. However, I wouldn’t want to wash my hands in a urinal so I’m pretty adamant about people not pissing the sink.

On one occasion, I caught someone pissing in the urinal. Usually this is an acceptable place to piss — except, of course, when it’s leaking peewater all over the place. As I said earlier, the urinal was covered in plastic. This man was pissing on taught plastic. None of it was getting inside the urinal. Instead, he was peeing all over his legs, shoes, and the floor. At least he was accepting of his removal from the bar.

Another man was caught staggering around the kitchen. My buddy caught up with the drunk guy just as he was trying to get into the walk-in freezer. He asked Sir Drunksalotif he was looking for the bathroom. The man looked up and slurred a semi-coherent “NO!” before turning around to continue. I caught up with them just as he was being ejected. My buddy told me not to let him back in. The drunk dude stumbled out of the door turning back just long enough to give is a contemptuous look.

It was a cold night so I brought a chair just inside the front door to check IDs. The door was closed, but I saw the guy walk by the bar again. It looked like he was going to try to come in, but he saw me at the door and kept walking. I realized shortly that he was still outside the bar. I opened the door and looked just in time to see him pissing on the building. It wasn’t like I saw him standing there and a stream hitting the building. I caught him pants down with his cock in his hand. I somehow managed to avoid the stream as I grabbed him and threw him into the side walk. He didn’t have time to zip up so all the other drunk people saw his wang and started laughing. The dude was too drunk to even care. I tried to dump water over his river of piss, but the image of him was already burned into my mind. My respect for bouncers has increased significantly since that night.