I watched gay porn.

It was purely accidental that I saw a video of an ejaculating penis. Let me explain. As you may already know, I’m sharing a room in a hostel with 3 people from Geneva. One of them, as I alluded to in my last post, is gay. Apparently seeing a drag show in San Francisco was his dream. We fulfilled his dream the other night while reinforcing my own heterosexuality and possibly breaking my brain in the process. The show was at a club called “Stud.” Besides naming your bar “Men Have Sex On Each Other Here”, it’s about as gay as it gets. The inside didn’t disappoint either.

We arrived just in time to miss the first act, but we caught the rest. If we were in a movie where I was the small town hick who got tired of his boring life and decided to move to the big city, this would be the “gay bar” scene. There flashing lights everywhere, men dressed in leather, and enough useless decorative crap to put any theme restaurant to shame. Most of the acts were at least entertaining. There was only one really frightening act. Please be warned. This is pretty graphic. Imagine that I just came out of the bathroom and asked you to smell my finger. Those willing to throw caution to the wind and take a sniff should read on. So, the act started off with a group of 3 men dressed as sailors pretending to masturbate over a drag queen geisha. For those who don’t know, this is called “bukkake.” For any truly depraved sexual act, there’s a decent chance that it was invented or popularized by the Japanese or Germans. This one is Japanese.

These fine, young sailors finish their business to a chorus of overly-dramatic grunting played through the club’s sound system. The geisha emerges from her wild circle-jerk surreptitiously holding a fan in front of her face. As the music begins, she lowers the fan slowly so you get the full affect of seeing her pale white face dripping gooey gobs. It’s around this time when I notice a video playing on the wall to her right. It’s a shot of a naked man’s partial torso and waist. He has a firm grip of his penis and he’s furiously masturbating in front of a mirror as though it has the antidote and they need it now. The end result of his work is tossed across the mirror with remarkable force. At this moment I’m in shock. I did not go to a drag show to see a man ejaculate. If there’s anything more surprising than seeing a video man masturbate to climax onto a mirror it’s watching the same video in reverse. Meanwhile, the woman continues lipsyncing.

They played the video a few times in case you have a short attention span or missed the first showing. The semen would fly out, hit the mirror, then peel itself off and jump back in as though it saw its own shadow. The crowed went absolutely mental. It upstaged the actual drag queen. There were several other videos during the performance, but I learned to avert my eyes. The funniest one I remember is of another man masturbating. The image was cut in half with him facing a mirror image of himself stroking in time. They slowly altered the angle of the video so the two halves of the same masturbating man were touching penises as though he were caught in some sort of gay kaleidescope. If Willy Wonka had a gay factory where he mass-produced the gay, this club would be the boat ride.